For the past five months I have been besieged by one illness after another. What began as a nasty virus in September, which took me out for three weeks, tearing havoc through my immune system and threatened to end up as bacterial Pneumonia, segued to my eyes. With no apparent reason my eyes began to get sore, swollen, red and itchy. Pain like hot sharp needles stabbing away at my eyelids. No relief other than the forbidden scratching and daily swallowing of antihistamine and paracetamol capped off with Ibuprofen. This insidious rash then spread like wild fire over the lower part of my face, causing antibiotics eventually to be prescribed along with an immune-suppressant cream to try and deal with the symptoms. Just as ground was being claimed, my eyes were no longer swollen and puffy and the rash on my cheek had gone leaving just the area around my mouth to concede to the medication, shingles came to say hello.
I’m still not completely out of the woods even as I write this. I’m back on antibiotics, the rash which came back with a vengeance just as the shingles was on its way out. I have an appointment by phone with the dermatology department to try and get to the bottom of what’s causing this reaction on my face. So I wait, and choose each day to claim victory over my eyes, over my face. Reminding myself daily that by His stripes I have been healed.
Five months of various illness has not been an easy road to travel. The accuser’s voice has been loud, and at times relentless; wanting me to believe I’m ill for various reasons, or that my recovery won’t ever happen. But my hope is in the one who doesn’t alter or change, and has promised me that never will He leave or forsake me. Even in the middle of extreme discomfort and pain my hope has never altered, my peace has remained in tact and I’ve stood resolute that my healing has already been secured by His stripes.
Now I’m not saying that there haven’t been times over the past five months when I haven’t felt the whispers of fear in the middle of the night, telling me I’m not going to get better, or worse that I’ve got some incurable disease or cancer that I’m going to die from, because I have, on many occasions. What I can tell you is that unlike other times in my life, when fear has encroached on me and caused me to pull back or question what I feel I’m being asked to do, this time I’ve felt a strength inside me. Scripture says that in Him we can find peace, that surpasses all understanding. Even in my many dark nights of the soul I have still felt in my innermost core a peace that has not been quenched or diminished.
For most of last year the Lord has asked me to rest and abide in Him, to trust Him with all of me. For those of you who know me, you will know that resting isn’t something I find easy. Having had to deal with self-reliance in my life, allowing myself to rest has been a battle against the nasty little voice that tells me I’m sitting doing nothing, wasting my day, not being a good enough mum, care provider, home schooler. However the Lord has been quite insistent that rest is what He’s wanted me to do.
Looking back from this vantage point I can see that perhaps some of that was preparation, for what the end of last year and the beginning of this year would look like. Unable to press on, to carry the load of the house, mother, carer duties, the pain and discomfort instead has forced me onto the sofa and at times back in to bed.
I have clung to scripture like never before these past five months. Frequently crying out to God reminding Him of His own words as I’ve struggled not to tear the skin off my face. “Lord you say when I’m weak then you are strong, well I’m just about as weak as I can be right now so you need to come and be strong in me please. Right now, please Lord”
I’ve asked for His peace to flow and fill me about as much as I’ve demanded His strength, and I’ve breathed deep and reminded myself that I have been promised by God that never will He leave or forsake me. He is there when I rise and there with me as I sleep. For the Lord God almighty neither sleeps nor slumbers.
During some of the moments at night when I’ve not slumbered I’ve been reading a book by Henri, J.M. Nouwen, lent to me by a dear friend. It’s a book on the prodigal son. I’ve found myself being drawn ever closer into the father’s words to his elder son, “My son you were always with me, all that I have is yours…’ words spoken from a deep well of love, compassion and mercy. The same love poured out to the prodigal son on his return and the same love poured out on to you and me too.
Words that move me from desperately seeking out the eyes of my Father, hoping He can hear my cries, to loosing my clenched fists and instead turning my open palms upwards to receive what He is already freely pouring out to me.
As the weeks have stretched on with one thing after another I’ve found myself resonating with Pauls words in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10;
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (NIV)
Sometimes we just have to hang on in there and refuse to take our eyes off Jesus. Focus in life is important, but equally important is perspective. Walking through a storm season, those long dry-valley-of-bone seasons, you need to set your focus on Jesus. Just Jesus. Jesus all day long and night if you happen to be awake. Focus on His words about what He came to do for you. Words that remind you how much the Father loves you and tell you what was achieved on that cross. Put Jesus in front of it all. Make Him the biggest thing you see and you’ll discover that the noise and clamour gets quieter.
Focus on Jesus and all the pain, loss, grief, fear, anxiety, shame gets stripped away. You see, by His stripes we have been healed. Not just a little bit, but right down to the very core of ourselves. New creations, with a new spirit inside of us, His. Keep standing. There are days, in some seasons it can feel like weeks, months, even years of just standing, but He is with you and everything He has is yours. Hope is alive and His name is Jesus.
Don’t be fooled into taking action when the Father wants you to rest, tricked into lowering your gaze and turning your ear to the putrid noise, for all the accuser says brings death. Instead endure even in your circumstances. To quote Paul once again;
“We know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
I’ve come to see it as a giant cosmic game of chicken or blink, and learnt to be belligerent in refusing to move first or blink. Fix your eyes upon Jesus, and if you wait, if you continue to endure despite your pain, you will find Jesus; He will turn up in His heavenly size 9’s which are wide enough to trample on every lie, smash through every anxiety, fear or worry and fast enough to keep pace with you, always. Never will He leave or forsake you really does mean never.
Do you fully understand that if you are a follower of Jesus you have been set free from everything. Your circumstances don’t need to define you, nor do old habits or beliefs that you’ve held onto. Allow God to restore your soul (that’s your will, mind and emotions) inline with your new spirit that He gave you when you said yes to Jesus. Don’t be fooled into picking up chains and burdens that you’ve been fully set free from. Let them stay in the depths of the bottomless sea. As far as the east is from the west is how far all your broken past is now from you. Sure you may have to do battle with the horrid little commentator inside your head that wants to tell you all about yourself. Stare into Jesus’s eyes and all you’ll see is love, no condemnation.
God’s word tells us to guard our minds, to take captive our thoughts; and more and more I can see that this is one of the enemies favourite battle grounds that he loves to try and drag me onto. Refuse to entertain anything that doesn’t line up with God’s heart for you and what He says about you. You are His beloved child, He has given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind not a spirit of fear. Don’t accept even for a moment anything that is out of agreement with His words of love and freedom, not from anyone else, not from your own internal commentator or out of your own mouth.
Is this a time for you to learn the power of rest? Jesus said to come to Him all who labour and are weary and He promised to give them rest. Are you weary? Do you labour but feel like you’re drowning in your to do list or even maybe your not to do list? Open your mouth and cry out to Jesus to give you what He promised: rest for your soul. But you have to be willing to admit that first you’re in need. That you can’t do it on your own. When you are weak then He is strong. Can you admit this to yourself? Jesus said He didn’t come for the well, but to heal the sick. He promises that He will turn beauty from ashes. Transformation however starts with admitting you can see the pile of ash first.
Do you want more of Jesus in your life?
Learn to surrender.
Learn to obey.
Learn to be still.
Feed yourself His daily bread. Discover a delight in the word of God. Not out of duty, but out of relationship. Seek His voice, His heartbeat throughout the pages of His word. He promises that if you seek Him you will find Him. Be encouraged, a light has come into the world and the darkness cannot overcome it, no matter how bleak things look. There are new mercies every morning and eventually just like the sun rises each day, hope will arise. Just keep standing, fix your eyes on Jesus and be relentless in following Him.
Seek out the banquet that He has already prepared for you, right in the middle of your enemies. A table full of bounty and provision, set with a place for you. Start a practice of daily gratitude for even the small things, it will help keep the lies and the fear away.
Stand firm today. No matter the trials or circumstances, I want to encourage you to stand firm.
I feel to encourage someone today, don’t be fooled into believing the noise in your head. Don’t be tricked into wearing yourself out, when you really need to rest and ask for help. Stand firm. Stand, the bible doesn’t tell you to “do”, just to stand. That’s enough. Eyes up. Fix your eyes upon Jesus. Stand in the freedom He died to secure for you and watch as He moves. You might have to wait on heavens timing not your own, but keep trusting, keep hoping. Pull people around you to help you stay firm, resolute on your focus, mindful of your perspective.
